See You In The Spring

It has been almost 2 years since I've posted in here. And it is so strange to see my previous post, the one I wrote on August 28th, 2013, because I was just talking to Joey last night about that time in my life. I remember when I first started grad school, and for that whole first year, I had a sort of existential crisis. I would lie awake for hours after trying to go to bed, thinking about how incredibly short our lives are and how odd it was to think about death. I mean, I was truly feeling this experience to the fullest. And trust me, I know all humans go through this; some people do every day. I had experienced it before, too. Especially as a kid. But in my experience, those feelings would usually go away in the morning. When the sun came up, and the alarm clock rang, and I became occupied with work, school, and the other activities that took up my time and my thinking, it was as if those thoughts I had the night before were just brought on by the stillness of the night and didn't really mean much to me during the day. It was as if those thoughts never happened; I just didn't have time to think about them. But when it happened to me a few years ago it was different. Much different. Those feelings didn't get washed away by the rising of the sun or the ringing of my alarm clock or the activities that filled my day. Those feelings didn't go away for almost 2 years. They made themselves present in every activity I did. And when those feelings stay with you during the day it's a totally different experience. The thoughts make you perceive yourself and the things you choose to spend your time doing in a completely different way. The feelings become you, and they change you, and they dissolve all of the issues that you thought were truly issues, but are now really nothing compared to the thoughts you are thinking and the questions you are asking yourself now. These thoughts started to scare me at first. They made me think that I was going to get depressed again. But I decided to feel them completely, and use them to my advantage. And I did. And I am so thankful for going through that. And I almost wish I could feel that way again. I try to, but I can't. But maybe I don't need to anymore? Maybe now I can more clearly let go of the crap that doesn't matter and use all of the time that I am given to focus on meaningful things. Which leads me to today.

I am beginning my second year of my PhD program, and I am also working a job that is giving me additional stress. It is a wonderful job, but I am not getting as much out of it as I used to be. I do not have the time and energy to give both this job and my PhD work my all. For almost a year now I have been struggling at this job, thinking about quitting, but I have held myself back from doing this because I know I am lucky to have it, and I don't want to miss out on any new experiences that I still have left to learn there. But I am at the point now where I am making the decision to leave, because it is really negatively impacting the quality of my life. I want to do meaningful work, and work hard at it, but right now, this job is not giving me that because I cannot give it my all. Just because it was right for me at one point, does not mean it always will be. I want to have time for myself to enjoy life outside of work. I realize that people should find work that they love so much that it does not feel like work. And I have. But even the things you love can begin to feel like work when it is sucking up too much of your energy in a way that starts to bring you down. Work that you love can even become work. So I am ready to take a risk and miss out on some opportunities at my current job, and leave to give myself more time to..well, myself. 

And for the good news...

272 more days until JOEY AND I GET MARRIED! I am going to give myself the time to enjoy every minute of the planning. Not just planning for the wedding, but planning for the marriage. We have some things we would like to do for us as a couple before getting married. And I'd like to be fully present for them. I want to learn how to make these decisions now. Because I know that throughout our lives, situations like these will come up again, and it will give our marriage some challenges. So I want to learn how to let go of things that are stressing me out and hurting my relationships with myself and loved ones, and give myself back the energy to live every important moment in my life, good or bad, to the fullest.

"You’re never going to be 100% ready and it’s never going to be just the right time, but that’s the point. It means that every moment is also the right moment. If you want it, you just have to do it."

"Never forget that the pressures of modern life are only a manmade game. You can take a break whenever you wish. It isn’t necessary to stress yourself to the level of those around you. Take nothing as seriously as your universal right to seek peace."

"I’m just one person. And every living thing in this world has a limited amount of energy and capabilities. We can delude ourselves.  It’s easy to think we can do anything when our lives are on track to smooth perfection.  But our power is limited, so the most important thing we can do is choose how we use that power - how we spend our time. The way we spend our days determines how we live our lives, and ultimately, what we’ll be remembered for."